November 19, 2014

CONSOLATIONS

Many weeks ago, a woman [that I didn’t know] approached me in a parking garage and said, “I’m trying to get to your level.” I laughed her comment off with a smile and kept walking. But she continued, following me, and said, “I know it wasn’t easy.” We were walking together now towards the steps in the parking garage, and without missing a beat I said [with a smile and a shrug] “Life is as easy as you make it.” She then replied, “But there are always external things.” At that point I paused and looked over at the woman. She was looking at me expectantly, her eyes were urging me to disagree. Instead, I just said, “Yea.”  I noticed her satisfied head shake as we parted ways. 

I happily went on with my day, but the exchange was an important one. If you’ve read any of my posts, you’d probably know that I wouldn’t agree that there are “always external things” interfering with our lives [in fact, I just wrote a post all about taking personal responsibility for your actions and reactions!]. But when I looked over at the woman, I realized clearly that she had already made up her mind. When I said, “life is as easy as you make it,” she already had a response ready. She had created a consolation…life wasn’t easy because of everything else. In one of the richest countries on this planet, I just didn’t have it in heart at that moment to share my different reality. I also try not to make a practice of arguing with everyone who has a different opinion ;)

But it is amazing, we have everything, but somehow we feel that we have nothing. There is always something more to gain before we feel successful. Marriage, more status, more money, children, recognition, fame, and on and on.

One could argue that in war torn or impoverished parts of the world, life is difficult because of external factors. Most would easily agree with this consolation…of course they are not happy, they have nothing. But the surprising reality is that often, those with nothing, feel that they have everything.  In this light, phrases like The meek shall inherit the Earth; the least of us shall become the most of us; and others have a different flavor. Without the weight of desire and attachment, those who are free are able to soar and have all. Truly freedom is the greatest joy.

Just yesterday, a friend shared a story of meeting an impoverished man, living in a shanty, in Guatemala. A person in the group asked how he was able to be joyful  despite his circumstances, and he answered, “I have my loving wife and my happy children…what more do I need?!” How many of us say this is enough, but constantly feel the need to gain another achievement to actually feel happy?

[A Taoist or Buddhist would recognize these relationships as other attachments, but he was happy  without identifying material things, so I still consider this  realization to be quite impressive ;) Bob Marley’s famous last words to his son Ziggy were, “Money can’t buy life.” An excellent proclamation!] 

Now this is not a story of comparison…just because he was happy with little doesn’t automatically mean we should be happy with much. The story here is that contentment should not be based on how much one has (I just use the rich nation/poor nation as a material example). Simply being happy is natural. It is not for us to determine why another is happy, but rather to inquire as to why we are not. This is internal work. But the example exists to show us that this kind of happiness is possible without having more things.

So, my challenge to you is this…when you find yourself complaining about your circumstances, or feeling that life is hard…turn the question toward yourself. Resist creating a consolation (e.g. Life is hard; It’s their fault; There’s nothing I can do; etc.)  and ask yourself these questions:

  • Is this situation a result of your decision?
  • Is there something you can do to change the situation?
  • What are small steps you can take today to move you in the direction you are being called toward? Remember, resistance can be the source of depression, stress, and illness! [Previous post: Do What You Fear tackles this topic!]
  • Believing that everything is happening for your highest good, is there another way that you can spin the situation to identify the positive? 
  • Are you looking for some external meaning or validating from the situation (or person) that you feel you are not receiving?

Question yourself. Cultivate true contentment. Truly understand that only those who know when is enough is enough can ever have enough. Breathe deeply and look within to feel your connection with all of creation. Free yourself and just be. Einstein said it best, “Stand still. The trees ahead and the bush beside you are not lost.”

We have no limits except those we create for ourselves.

I hope that you free yourself ;)

 

Photo source: All Tied Up by Thomas Blake

November 15, 2014

LOOK WITHIN

There is no fire like greed,

No crime like hatred,

No sorrow like separation,

No sickness like hunger of the heart,

And no joy like the joy of freedom.

Health, contentment, and trust

Are your greatest possessions,

And freedom is your greatest joy.

Look within.

Be still.

Free from fear and attachment,

Know the sweet joy of living in the way.

– adapted from the DHAMMAPADA, translated by Thomas Byrom

Photo source: Skagit Valley Tulip Fields Washington by Nancy Crowell

Author note: Passage from the beautiful book, “Teachings of the Buddha” by Jack Kornfield that first introduced me to Buddha :)

November 10, 2014

LOVE AND LOSS

Look at that rainbow.

It is only when the sky cries

that you see the colors

in the light.

-T’ao-Shan

 

Recently, several dear friends have “lost” loved ones. I put lost in quotation marks because I don’t believe that we ever truly lose anyone…even when they pass from this life. I believe the love remains. Even if we feel our heart breaking, we must know that the cracks formed only serve to let more love in. That increased love is what fortifies us even when we feel that all is lost.

When we take a few moments to feel the Love that always surrounds us, we are able to connect with It. And like sunshine on flowers, it will help us grow in love and understanding. There is a beautiful Native American proverb:

 

The Soul would have no rainbows if the eyes had no tears.

 

 

Photo source:  An epic rainbow by Samuel Banas

 

Dedicated to all who have loved and “lost.”

October 31, 2014

RESPONSIBILITY

This morning, in beautiful Maui, I read an awesome quote by Sri Sri Ravi Shankar:

Nothing in the world can bother you as much as your own mind, I tell you.

In fact, others seem to be bothering you, but it is not others, it is your own mind.

I believe this to be true. Although we may say or feel that someone bothered us…or hurt our feelings…this can never be true. It is only possible for us to do that to ourselves. We must take personal responsibility for our reactions. Although someone may be impolite or inconsiderate, we chose how we internalize those emotions. I am of the opinion that wise individuals simply ignore rude behaviors. There is nothing to forgive if we don’t acknowledge that it even happened.

Besides, how do you ever expect to become polished if you are irritated by every rub? ;)

When reflecting on the beauty of the world, I’m constantly reminded that it doesn’t even matter :)

Photo source: Foamy spray (Maui, Hawaii) by Jonathan Ault

October 19, 2014

VIRTUE

While reading Lao-tzu on this beautiful morning in Chicago, two passages about virtue (goodness) caught my eye and begged to be shared ;)

PRACTICING VIRTUE

To practice virtue is to selflessly offer assistance to others, giving without limitation one’s time, abilities, and possessions in service, whenever and wherever needed, without prejudice concerning the identity of those in need.

If your willingness to give blessings is limited, so also is your ability to receive them.

This is the subtle operation of the Tao.

—

We want to love and we want to give when it’s convenient. It is easy for us to place requirements on those that we will help. Perhaps we feel inclined to help those that look like us…or believe what we believe…or live where we live. But true virtue is based on an understanding that these distinctions are illusions. There is really no separation. We come from the same Source. Because we are all connected, it is only through giving that we are able to receive.

undiscriminating virtue

Those who wish to attain oneness must practice undiscriminating virtue. 

They must dissolve all ideas of duality: good and bad, beautiful and ugly, high and low.

They  will be obliged to abandon any mental bias born of cultural or religious belief.

Indeed, they should hold their minds free of any thought which interferes with their understanding of the universe as a harmonious oneness.

The beginning of these practices is the beginning of liberation.

—

The nature of duality is such that when we say something is good, something else automatically becomes bad. When we define beautiful, ugly is automatically created. We go through life in a constant struggle because we are taught from birth to categorize. We become trapped by these divisions. At home, we learn that this is right and that is wrong. In church, we learn that this group will be saved…that group will not. Constant divisions are created. We lose sight that everything just IS. Instead, we want to change everything else. Liberation comes from the understanding that we can only change ourselves.

—

Photo source: Kandahar, Afghanistan by Steve McCurry

Author note: I am a huge fan of Steve McCurry! I find his photography to be transformational. While some photographers capture the pain and tragedy of war, I find that Steve somehow manages to capture hope and courage. In this photograph I see a child and a man that many would brand enemies. In them I see the same spark of divinity that is in each of us. I can only guess that their injuries were a side effect of one of the many wars that miss the point…that we are all the same.

October 11, 2014

CHANGE

After a fun, full day in San Francisco, I’m up at 2am on a Saturday thinking about change. While it is true that things change, I’m inspired to say that we experience pain because we fail to realize that our expectations change. We anticipate future outcomes (i.e. illusions) based on our expectations. These desired future outcomes are simply what we want to happen. When the actual outcome doesn’t match what we expected, we suffer. We’re disappointed, upset, hurt, etc. because our made up future did not come true.

Let’s take an example. You’re dating someone and he doesn’t call when you expect him to…disappointment. You work through that and get engaged, but he doesn’t help you with the wedding planning as you expected him to…frustration. After working through that, you get married, but he doesn’t manage money the way you expected him to…anger.

In that example, did he really change? Or were your expectations changing and not being met? From my vantage point, there was an escalation in expectations as things got more serious (and possibly an escalation in your emotional response). I’m not saying it’s right or wrong, but we went from expecting him to call at a certain time to expecting him to be a financial planner.

This works the opposite way, as a man might expect a woman to show up on time (looking flawless) when dating…worry about the details of an engagement…and then (somehow) manage to have a professional career and raise children after marriage (while still being on time and flawless haha). We went from expecting her to show up on time to expecting her to be the world’s greatest mother….another clear escalation in expectations.

Wherever you feel resistance (or negative emotions) in your life, it’s tied to your reality not meeting your expectation. Your manager was supposed to appreciate your hard work. Your children were supposed to pick up all of their toys before bedtime. Your day at work was supposed to have been drama free. The highway wasn’t supposed to be undergoing construction on your way home. These frustrations are a result of your desired outcome not matching reality. This is all based on your expectations about what the future was supposed to be. 

The only way to effectively deal with all of this resistance is to first take a step back. Evaluate your emotions and recognize the expectation that was at the root of the situation (what did you expect to happen in a given situation?). Understand that life is not about you getting what you always want (haha!). There is a bigger picture. And despite everything that you feel should be happening, the Universe (God, the Creator, however you’d like to call the Source) knows better than you. And you must have faith that even though you don’t understand it, everything is happening for your highest good…and for the highest good. And as a friend of mine suggested, remind yourself that you don’t really know what’s going on.

Loosen the reigns on your laundry list of expectations. Recognize that there is always more to the story that just what you want. And then move on….otherwise you will remain stuck in a negative and toxic space. As always, it’s your choice ;)

Photo source: Head first – Autumn Leaves

September 28, 2014

SHOWING UP AND LETTING GO

While mentoring a high school student recently, I told her that life is about showing up and letting go. I explained to her that you have to continue to show up for new opportunities in life…but that you can only have room for new opportunities if you let go of past disappointments. She was a math whiz, so I told her to imagine her body as a finite space that she could choose to fill with either darkness or light.

She closed her eyes to imagine, and I asked her, “How do you get more light in?”

She answered, “I have to let go of the darkness and let the light in.”

And then she asked me a great question, “Selena, how do I let go of the darkness?”

I told her we let go of darkness when we realize that life is always in this moment…it’s not in the past and it’s not the future…only now. Every new moment is new life.

She opened her eyes and smiled. I smiled back and we high-5’d. I think we changed the world in that moment…kind of like a butterfly flapping its wings in New York causing a tidal wave in Japan ;)

This weekend, I was reminded of that conversation in the midst of celebrating two dear friends as they prepare to get married. I think the same theory applies to relationships. New joy in a relationship is exponentially diminished in the presence of past hurt and future uncertainty. You continue show up for those you love…but because we are all unique and different…you must also let go of future fears and disappointments and hurt of the past caused by persons not meeting your standards.

Thomas Merton said it best, “The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.”

We have an opportunity to show up and fill each new moment with light and love in celebration of our shared spirit. In fact we have infinite capacity for this because we are beings of light…stardust in fact. :) But, to keep it simple, we can also imagine a relationship as a circle (like the sun or a wedding band ;)…we get to add light by showing up…and we eliminate darkness by letting go.  Only light can drive out darkness. Each new moment is new life. We get to chose.

Let’s choose more light ;)

 

Author’s note: Because this site is dedicated eliminating domestic violence, I must also say that pain is not love. Violence is not love. Abuse (physical, emotional, financial or otherwise) is not love. While our capacity endure abuse may be high, this kind of darkness can extinguish all light…especially the light of our children. The National Domestic Violence Hotline number is 1-800-799-7233. It is FREE. Please share and use without hesitation. Even if you’re not sure you need it. That’s why it exists. Namaste.

 

Photo source: We’re Beside Forever by Suradej Chuephanich

Dedicated to Rosa and Cam…may your marriage be filled with endless love and light!

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