DEAR SAGE: I love your website! Your content is inspiring and I appreciate what you do, but I’m going to be blunt: I hate my life! I want to quit my job, but I’m scared to lose the money and don’t know what else I would do. I want to lose weight, but I’m scared to go to the gym because people may laugh at me. I want a new car because I hate the old one I have now, but I can’t afford it. I want to have a husband, but I don’t think anyone would love me. Should I just take a vacation…will that help me??!!! Help me please!
DEAR UNHAPPY ONE: Thank you for your support of the site (given the complex nature of your question, I’m going to include lots of links to other SelenaSage articles that give extra insight)! I looooove your the honesty of your question (I can bet you that each part of your question will resonate with someone else) and we’re going to see how we can work on this for you! But, first, let’s take a deep breath… With this breath we’re going to try something different…as you’re inhaling through your nose, I want you to breathe in all of the problems of the world…hate, violence, poverty, despair. And as you exhale through your mouth, I want you to breathe out your love, compassion, and kindness. Just think of those things as you breathe, then close your eyes and repeat five times. Just like that, you’ve shared your love with the world!
Now that we have a clean slate and have anchored ourselves in the present, let’s get to your inquiry. I can tell you that the first thing I noticed about your question is the number of times you used, “I” and “want”. Though a discussion of this was probably best summed up in my I WANT… post, I can tell you that your Ego is running the show right now! Your Ego is that part of you that is constantly telling you that what you haven’t isn’t good enough and always wants more. One of my favorite quotes my the Taoist master Lao-tzu is, “Only those who know when enough is enough will ever have enough.” Right now, you are not content…you don’t think that you have enough, so your basis is flawed. Even if you got everything you’re asking for, I can tell you that you still would not be satisfied. How do I know this? It is because everything you now have is something that you once hoped for, but still you are not happy. So let’s break down your list:
You say, “I hate my life!” So let me ask you, what is your “life” to you? By your question, it seems that your life is your job, your car, your body, and your hopes for a husband? Let me first challenge that. For one second, close your eyes and place your hand over your heart. Do you feel your heart beat? When you inhale through your nose, do you feel the air moving into your body? That, my dear, is life. All of those other things are material trappings. They have nothing to do with who you really are. And who are you? You are a child of the Creator of the universe…does your car really matter? If you talk to a bird in nature, does the color of their nest really matter? Everything external can be changed, it is the internal…the spirit that really matters. So if you really hate the divine spirit inside of you, you must practice looking inward much more. I think that once you see your own true glow, you will find this to be the most beautiful thing ever :)
So with this understanding, I hope that the perceived importance of your other questions has paled. However, I want to address them anyway. First, you say you want to quit your job. I have a future post coming about “Comparison versus Contentment”, but because you’re an avid reader, I’m going to give you a sneak peak into the content :) Many would tell you to be happy that you have a job because many people do not…but this is comparison. As long as you have more than someone else, you will be happy…but as soon as you find someone who has more than you, you will no longer be happy. So this is flawed. Contentment comes a sincere appreciation for what you have.
You will have to make the decision about whether you leave your job or not, but while you have it, my advice would be to have a more positive outlook if you can…find things about your job that you appreciate (health insurance, pay check, friendly colleagues). There are obviously some benefits… otherwise you wouldn’t have this job.
That being said, it seems that your job may be out of alignment with your gifts. You say that you don’t know what else you would do, so I’m wondering if you’ve taken proper time to really figure out what those gifts are? Have you asked yourself what you would do if money was no object? Once you understand what you really want to do, start taking actions to move you in that direction. Little by little, you will get there. (SelenaSage.com started with an idea…and now in less than two months, and 158 posts later, it is something tangible! :) You have to start somewhere and then begin creating to get where you want to be.
Similarly, you want to lose weight but you think people in the gym will laugh at you? This is a fear you are creating to keep yourself out of the gym. Surely you don’t believe that bodybuilders were born that way? They started in the gym just like everyone else…perhaps they were skinny or maybe overweight…but it was only through consistent discipline and practice that they were able to achieve their level of fitness. In a past post, I also provided advice about weight loss….and I will say again that I believe what you eat to be the most important part of a healthy body (80% eating, 20% exercise from my point of view). So in addition to finding healthy ways to get moving (even if it’s just walking!), be sure you are considering you eating clean and healthy foods.
We’ve talked a little about the new car you want (but can’t afford), so I want to mention that managing your finances is much like eating healthy. If you eat healthy, you never have to “diet”…if you spend and save wisely, you never have to “budget” (different from proper financial planning, this refers to forced restrictions). I always advocate living under your means so you create less stress. If your “old” car works and functions safely, this is a blessing because you are saving yourself the expense of a new car.
Whew…ok, I think this has now become the longest advice column to date! Haha! But this is important! In so many ways, your question is a summary of so much of the content from the site. It challenges common thinking and serves to tackle the types of fears you are describing. So your fear about not having someone love you is only coming from the lack of love that you have for yourself. In a very recent post, I encourage you to start the day loving yourself! You are beautiful and so worthy of love! And I truly believe that once you begin loving yourself more, you will love others naturally…this opens an invisible door that will bring love back to you. Find a way to actively volunteer each week to give this love directly.
So, my dearest “unhappy one”, I do think you need a permanent vacation…from your current state of mind! Happiness is closer than you think! Turn on some music, sing along (loudly!), dance around, find things about yourself and your life that you love and keep growing that list! Question anything that does not uplift you and move boldly forward with courage! Everything is going to be okay :)
YOU are a shining light…The Creator lives within YOU…YOU are Divine beauty! What you own means nothing next to WHO ARE ARE! You can CHOOSE to be happy right now. You have all you need…the choices are up to you! Just do it ;)
Love and light,
P.S. Thank you for the courage of your question! It has been fun to go through the archives and link back to other SelenaSage.com articles! :)