So, the temperatures have been so hot here (90+) that I have not felt the vibe to go exploring in the Kunshan region of China (where I’m staying) to take photos. So, this photo is from inside the air conditioned comfort of my hotel room looking out haha As you can see, the area is – Read More –
Though the process of traveling is not always the easiest (who really wants to deal with airport security? airplane food scares me! and travel can come with sticker shock.), I always appreciate its ability to instantly shift your perspective. Now that I find myself in mainland China, I’m immediately struck by the taste of pollution – Read More –
Mothers are special. I have to say that I won the mother, grandmother, and great-grandmother lottery! These wonderful, beautiful, strong women all had a profound influence on me and I am so thankful. On this day, I am going to use this post to give a special dedication to my mother for being so supportive and – Read More –
“He did each single thing as if he did nothing else.” – Charles Dickens So often in life, we get pulled in multiple directions. Or we allow our mind to wander and run through old events that don’t matter anymore or future events that are just an illusion. I appreciate this quote from Dickens because – Read More –
“Worry is a story that we create inside that is then used to create fear… So don’t worry, the story you create may never happen.” -Sister Shivani I was just introduced to Sister Shivani today (thanks Auntie!). This is a wonderful video about the futility of worrying…it just depletes your energy. It is much better – Read More –
DEAR SAGE: I am writing to you from Europe! A mutual friend of ours introduced me to your lovely site and I so enjoy reading your content! Thank you for this gift you share with us all. I love that you speak so much about forgiveness and I’m writing to you because even though I’m 40+, I am still receiving counselling regarding ill feelings about my parents…especially regarding their behaviours during my teenage years. I’m educated with a successful career and know that I should be over this but I can’t seem to work through it. I thought I’d give it a go and message you for your thoughts on how I can forgive them and remove this blockade. Cheers!
DEAR TRYING-TO-FORGIVE-MY-PARENTS: Thank you so much for your support from across the world! I’m delighted to have you as a part of the SelenaSage family and I really appreciate you taking the time to submit such an excellent question! Working through feelings and emotions about parenting really does lie at the heart of so many things. It is an important topic and one that I’m happy to provide my insights! Though, please allow me to say, I have great respect for the counseling and coaching professions and make no attempt here to override any advice you may be receiving. My disclaimer is only to attempt to help you view the situation from a different perspective, but I am in full support of you receiving any kind of care you feel appropriate. With that said, let’s begin!
The first point that I believe must be realized is that there are no perfect parents…and there are no perfect children. Please let that statement sink in for a minute because the implications are huge. (As you may know, this site is dedicated to abused and homeless children, so this in no way gives abusive parents a pass. I believe those situations require immediate intervention for the safety of the child.) What I mean here is that even though there are thousands of books written about parenting, the experience is always individual and bound to be imperfect. Can you say that you did absolutely everything right as a child? And furthermore, that you’ve never made any missteps as an adult? This would be unreasonable to expect! Similarly, parents have a tough job…trying to balance the challenges of everyday life while still caring for, supporting, and nurturing a child. Not everyone is as capable of this as others (not to say that parenting is a competition, but there are many factors which influence success as a parent). We don’t get to choose our parents, so this is just a reality that must be accepted. What matters is how you choose to deal with the reality that is your life.
So, without even going into the details of your parents’ behaviors, I just want to point out that your ill feelings date back to your teenage years and you’ve disclosed that you are 40+. You are clearly educated and intelligent (especially if we share mutual friends!) and have found ways to advance your success in many areas of your life despite whatever happened as a teenager. But whatever you are holding onto from being a fifteen year old (to average the teenage years) is controlling you emotionally over 35 years later!
Therefore, you have one basic choice to make: you can either continue to discuss what happened over and over again and try to figure out why why why…or you can leave the past where it belongs (in the past) and focus all of your energy and attention on the present. This sounds really simple…and that’s because it is. Many therapists would probably disagree with this and supply other strategies, but I believe your reality is created by what you focus on. And even if you figure out the why, will that really make it better? As stated in a recent post, if you keep focusing on that event, you give it energy and attention that can take over your life and creep into your dreams. If you question your own memories and thoughts (please read this post about the inquiry method for healing), and stop believing everything you think you can create a new reality for yourself. You can change your whole frame of mind and take personal responsibility for the person you choose to be right now. You ultimately decide how you want to live your life…and that is up to you, not anyone else. – Read More –
If I’m going to have forgiveness, who am I going to have it from? Myself. But every time I forgive myself for something, I’m remembering what it was. And every time I remember what it was, I put some more of my energy into it. So it seems to get bigger and doesn’t go away. – Read More –
There are sometimes those moments when tragedies seem to happen all at once in different parts of the world. Despite lives lost in casualties of war (at home and abroad) on a daily basis, there are some events that take over the media’s attention due to the sheer number of casualties or non-sensical nature of – Read More –
A very poor underprivileged person might think that it would be wonderful to have an automobile or television set, and should he acquire them, at the beginning would feel very happy. Now if such happiness were something permanent, it would remain forever. But it does not, it goes. After a few months he wants to – Read More –
The Master remains peaceful in the midst of continuous change. There is nothing that can disturb her, nothing that she finds unacceptable. She welcomes all beings, watches as they come and go, and stays rooted in what is real. From The Second Book of the Tao by Stephen Mitchell Photo source: Rice terraces (North Vietnam)