Perhaps it is the scientist in me, but recently I have conducted a few (human) reactivity experiments. They are rather simple…I say something mildly controversial that I know the person may not like and just observe how they react. The different levels of response are amazing! The three broad categories of response I’ve found are: – Read More –
Do you imagine the universe is agitated? Go into the desert at night and look out at the stars. This practice should answer the question. The superior person settles her mind as the universe settles the stars in the sky. By connecting her mind with the subtle origin, she calms it. Once calmed, it naturally expands, – Read More –
“Any kind of abuse, God knows, is a crime. She won’t have a second try…open up your heart, as well as your eyes.” On the topic of gender violence, I could not stop myself from sharing this other very important song/video. I want to point out that saying something can mean a simple 911 call – Read More –
I do not believe there are any accidents. Just after I made the last post about self-love in the face of an abusive situation, I viewed this video shared by a friend (Thanks, N!). It is a BRILLIANT discussion about gender violence and how it does not just effect women…it effects everyone, men included. Jackson Katz – Read More –
Last night, I received a call from a friend who is also a supporter of the site (thank you!). She asked me an important question, “Selena…you write a lot of great content about having control over yourself regardless of what other people do. I’m in a relationship that doesn’t make me happy, where I am – Read More –
“He did each single thing as if he did nothing else.” – Charles Dickens So often in life, we get pulled in multiple directions. Or we allow our mind to wander and run through old events that don’t matter anymore or future events that are just an illusion. I appreciate this quote from Dickens because – Read More –
“Worry is a story that we create inside that is then used to create fear… So don’t worry, the story you create may never happen.” -Sister Shivani I was just introduced to Sister Shivani today (thanks Auntie!). This is a wonderful video about the futility of worrying…it just depletes your energy. It is much better – Read More –
I am so intrigued by the concept of watching your thoughts because I truly believe it is the path to peace. I always find this difficult to describe in words, but it’s the process of stepping back outside of yourself and looking down onto your mind. You watch your thoughts go by without getting attached to them. You stop becoming so reactive to your fears (one of my favorite definitions for the word being: false expectations appearing real) and stop reacting so forcefully during those moments when you replay or process someone else’s words or actions as being disrespectful (especially if you feel that immediate increase in your heart rate!)…and you stop believing everything you think.
When you watch your thoughts, you don’t judge or attach yourself to those worries, angers, or desires that keep coming up. You simply watch and, in doing so, take away the mind’s control over all of your feelings and emotions. You operate from a stronger place…from your true Self…your center…and you stop the constant waves of emotion and turmoil that you often allow your mind to create. Because your thoughts trigger your emotions which often manifest physically, when you cut off your thoughts from the start, you interrupt the entire ripple effect.
We don’t even realize how similar we can be to that person that seems “crazy” walking down the street talking to themselves about a bunch of random topics that don’t seem to make any sense. From the news, to the baseball game, to their sibling, to the weather, to dinner, to their job, to a financial fear, to a material desire, and on and on. Often, we are doing the same thing, only it happens in our minds and we are just not saying every unconnected thought out loud. What I’m talking about here is stopping that unproductive chatter by paying less attention to everything you’re thinking.
When you watch your thoughts, you remove the focus on each individual thought that comes up in your mind. You allow your mind to become unfocused and blurry…you know that you’re thinking things but you can’t seem to focus on any one thing. It takes time and practice, but eventually you reach a place of silence. It is a pretty amazing thing because you can literally take control of yourself by simply watching your thoughts…by not attaching yourself or your energy to any single thought. It is a way of being in flow and realizing that things come to us when we do what is natural…our thoughts about a thing really didn’t create it. It was only through action..or really non-action (doing things so naturally as if we really did not do anything…like breathing!)…that everything came to pass. There was never anything to worry about or fear…and any time or energy spent with those negative emotions was wasted. So we find peace by training ourselves to take our thoughts less seriously.
In matters of the mind, I always love to reference Osho. He explains it this way:
A prince goes to a Zen master and tells him that he wants to be enlightened—and now! Instead of sending him away, the master says it could be arranged. After finding out from the prince that he plays chess very well, the master sets up a game between the visitor and one of his monks – Read More –
DEAR SAGE: I am writing to you from Europe! A mutual friend of ours introduced me to your lovely site and I so enjoy reading your content! Thank you for this gift you share with us all. I love that you speak so much about forgiveness and I’m writing to you because even though I’m 40+, I am still receiving counselling regarding ill feelings about my parents…especially regarding their behaviours during my teenage years. I’m educated with a successful career and know that I should be over this but I can’t seem to work through it. I thought I’d give it a go and message you for your thoughts on how I can forgive them and remove this blockade. Cheers!
DEAR TRYING-TO-FORGIVE-MY-PARENTS: Thank you so much for your support from across the world! I’m delighted to have you as a part of the SelenaSage family and I really appreciate you taking the time to submit such an excellent question! Working through feelings and emotions about parenting really does lie at the heart of so many things. It is an important topic and one that I’m happy to provide my insights! Though, please allow me to say, I have great respect for the counseling and coaching professions and make no attempt here to override any advice you may be receiving. My disclaimer is only to attempt to help you view the situation from a different perspective, but I am in full support of you receiving any kind of care you feel appropriate. With that said, let’s begin!
The first point that I believe must be realized is that there are no perfect parents…and there are no perfect children. Please let that statement sink in for a minute because the implications are huge. (As you may know, this site is dedicated to abused and homeless children, so this in no way gives abusive parents a pass. I believe those situations require immediate intervention for the safety of the child.) What I mean here is that even though there are thousands of books written about parenting, the experience is always individual and bound to be imperfect. Can you say that you did absolutely everything right as a child? And furthermore, that you’ve never made any missteps as an adult? This would be unreasonable to expect! Similarly, parents have a tough job…trying to balance the challenges of everyday life while still caring for, supporting, and nurturing a child. Not everyone is as capable of this as others (not to say that parenting is a competition, but there are many factors which influence success as a parent). We don’t get to choose our parents, so this is just a reality that must be accepted. What matters is how you choose to deal with the reality that is your life.
So, without even going into the details of your parents’ behaviors, I just want to point out that your ill feelings date back to your teenage years and you’ve disclosed that you are 40+. You are clearly educated and intelligent (especially if we share mutual friends!) and have found ways to advance your success in many areas of your life despite whatever happened as a teenager. But whatever you are holding onto from being a fifteen year old (to average the teenage years) is controlling you emotionally over 35 years later!
Therefore, you have one basic choice to make: you can either continue to discuss what happened over and over again and try to figure out why why why…or you can leave the past where it belongs (in the past) and focus all of your energy and attention on the present. This sounds really simple…and that’s because it is. Many therapists would probably disagree with this and supply other strategies, but I believe your reality is created by what you focus on. And even if you figure out the why, will that really make it better? As stated in a recent post, if you keep focusing on that event, you give it energy and attention that can take over your life and creep into your dreams. If you question your own memories and thoughts (please read this post about the inquiry method for healing), and stop believing everything you think you can create a new reality for yourself. You can change your whole frame of mind and take personal responsibility for the person you choose to be right now. You ultimately decide how you want to live your life…and that is up to you, not anyone else. – Read More –